Am I ready to commit or throw in the towel?

So here we are, the fork in the road I never wanted to stand at.  Never.  To be honest, I never thought I would have to.  It is now that I reflect on what has been and gone before this moment that I realise the impact that I have had as a stepmother.

Once upon a time my SS was a weak, beaten, fragile little man with a manipulative mother who overpowered him.  He has endured her wrath, her tantrums and her punishments for so long I never thought he would speak out loud enough to be heard.  But then, when I think back, I did the same thing and I recall, in past conversations, that I have told him as much.  I have told him that I snapped once, that I finally had enough of my Dad one day and we came to blows.  I remember vividly feeling more angry and stronger than I had ever felt before in that one moment..and it all came out in a flashflood of shouting, expletives and violence (unfortunately).  Dad was trying to push me out of the door and I was gripping onto the frame for dear life.  It was then that the moment hit me, then that I snapped and I laid into my Dad and punched him in the head.  We had rowed for so many years and I felt so controlled by silly small rules and constantly punished that I snapped.  It took me a long time to get over my father/me relationship issues.  They continue now but only in small amounts and few and far between.  I am grateful for the distance and maturity I have to be able to deal with it now.  I just wanted him to approve and praise me not get on my back all the time and it got too much for me to bear.

Maybe I empowered my SS to do the same by letting him know that he is not trapped.  He recently started to tell his mother he hates her.  I feel for him on that, it is horrible to hate your parent.  I have always encouraged him to sort out his problems with his mother and stepfather yet the problems obviously continue.

As briefly explained in my previous post, his counsellor says he is so worried about the mental state  and pressure put upon my stepson to get through his 11+ tests and into Grammar School that the best thing would be for him to live with us.

I freaked out at my husband.  NO WAY!!  I have totally lost it and so inappropriately timed too.  My poor husband has just got a diagnosis (yesterday) of Fibromyalgia on top of his Chondromalacia Patella condition – both chronic, both painful, both incurable.  He really didn’t need me freaking out about his son coming to live with us.  I guess I didn’t really see how much I felt about that situation and how much I didn’t want it.

I am lost right now and I don’t know which way is up…

Do I allow a chewed up and spat out stepson with an ocean of problems to sort out into my home permanently?

Do I love my husband enough to let his son live with us?

Can I cope with leaving them both if that is what I choose?

How will all the responsibility be split up?

Is my own childhood effecting how I feel about the situation?

Why do I not feel enough love for my stepson to want to rescue him?

Why do I feel so threatened?

How will I get through University with all these problems in my life?

Am I the most selfish person in the world?

I guess I will have to explore these questions alone.  I have tried to discuss it with my husband but right now he is reeling from his diagnosis and how he will have to reduce his working hours, the money problems that faces us with and the possibility of having his son finally come and live with us, getting him over not living with his mother, changing schools AND the possibility of losing his wife, me.

I feel like the biggest shit in the world right now and I want to vanish.  I want to just run away, start my life over (again..this seems to happen every 7 years!!) and I am scared about what happens next.

I got so involved that I trapped myself.   Sometimes I feel like my work is done here, that I was meant to stay for a reason and that is almost complete.  That is not how I should feel about my life and my wonderful husband.

I loved a man so much once that he shattered me and I think that has a lot to do with how guarded I feel.  I never want to feel that much pain again and I never want to inflict it on another.  What the hell do I do?

I have a lot to sort out in my head and my heart.

In my next life I would like to be something that has a short lifespan..like a butterfly or a bee and then repeat for eternity.

Who the hell decided I was capable of being a human being?  Not me!

Explore posts in the same categories: Troubles

Tags: impact, issues, positive, relationship, Stepfamily, Stepmom, stepmother

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